My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize