Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
