tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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