i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
