I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
