i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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