It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
