My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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