so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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