I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Panties = found
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
