Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
