My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
