M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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