I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
