you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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