You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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