She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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