why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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