This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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