Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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