Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
