I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
