he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Can't talk, ducks in the car
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
