found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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