I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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