Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
