oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
