I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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