Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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