then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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