I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize
