My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
