I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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