Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
