I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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