My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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