Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
