Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize