why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
