Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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