i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
My penis needs a shock collar
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
