all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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