That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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