Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
