I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize