just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
