i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
