he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
