I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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