I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
