I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
zippers are such a cool invention
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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