Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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