oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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