its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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