I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
