i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
