Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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