so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
