Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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