there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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