I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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