u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
