She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
